I bet you all think I’m going to write about this stupid over priced ice cream, which one is my favourite flavour, which one is the best and how sometimes eating too much gives you brain freeze.
I’m writing about as to how I have discovered why I am still single and do you want to know why? It’s because I am a mess of a human being, I am literally all over the place… whenever I have to meet friends I’m always rushing around, always late, always having a million things to do… I’m just the same with university too. I remember once last year, I made it into a lecture half an hour late and when I walked through the door my friends applauded me… one of the funniest memories I will take away from uni life!! 🙂
I’m so glad my friends are still my friends I think they’ve accepted ‘my mess’ as one of my traits… I think I even tweeted once, ‘ I am such a mess of a human being… thank god I still have friends.’ I was also thinking about friendship groups too and how every group has that one friend who is funny and stupid… well that’s me for one because I’m not as street smart as I should be… you know it is expected growing up with strict Italian parents so I do the most stupid things, but then my friends laugh and it’s like ‘Ha, that’s such a Rosa thing.’ The second is that people think I’m actually quite funny but I really am just awkward…
Before this stupid illness came along and messed up every aspect of my life I used to love going out and socialising, I used to love going up to people, talking to randomers and finding a common ground of something pointless to be able to say, ‘O look I’ve made a new friend.’ Sometimes I get bored of the standard routine, of the same people in my life I like the unexpectedness because its change, its difference and its not boring.
I now hate some social situations, I would rather stay in and blog about thoughts that are in my head, scenarios I’ve made up rather than getting out there, showing the world that there is a Rosa on this planet that I’m living my life and making memories, instead of locking myself in my room and constantly feeling sad. I just don’t know what to do with myself I used to be fine now I need to force myself to make the effort to think, ‘OK, as much as you don’t want to go out you need to show your face.’
I’ve always been the type of person to get excited over the little things, such as my friends will say, ‘Shall we go the pub for the pub quiz this week?’ Usually I would be the first person to say yes and make some stupid joke that the person who has organised this needs to buy the first round, instead now I freak out and panic. Panic is the worst emotion someone can experience especially when they turn into attacks, I just wish I knew what made me so terrified so that I have enough courage to be strong and say, ‘FUCK YOU, I’m fine I’m enjoying my life tonight.’
I’m not sure how many of you read my work experience diary blog as well as this one but you will have noticed in my diary entries, I have hated covering reception because I freak out when I talk to new people my brain literally freezes. I feel pressured to understand everything from the moment GO… but I become so focused on that, I don’t actually hear who is on the other side of the phone and for a while I refused to answer the phone at my work placement because I freaked out that the editors would judge me for not understanding who’s on the other line.
I now have to think what I’m going to say before I actually speak, sometimes I’ve been in lectures and I go and say something freak out half way through and realise I made no sense, made a fool of myself and half the class is smirking… once again to them I’m being the funny stupid one, when I know I was being awkward…
What is the damn solution here?! To go for it and get over myself? Easier said than done right? I want to go back to being spontaneous and fun… I miss it so much!