It really isn’t easy being a diabetic, I don’t think that it ever has been for anyone, I mean we struggle with it all the time. Even though you would think that after 2 and a half years of having to constantly fight with my pancreas I would be doing fine… but I’m not. I’ll be honest, recently I have been struggling, I feel completely withdrawn from all the things I love doing, I’ve stopped writing; until now of course! I’ve also stopped socialising as much as I used to because I’m constantly bitter seeing my friends being able to do things without having a care in the world!
I miss having the freedom to be spontaneous because whatever I do, I always have to check in with my diabetes first to see if I’m allowed that treat or I have enough medication on me to stay a night away from home. I mean I actually have a diabetes inventory, how sad is that?!
No matter how many rants I have with my best friends and no matter how many times they tell me that they don’t mind listening to me moan about the challenges I’m faced with daily. I still can’t help but feel like I’m a burden to them all because although I explain what I go through, they will never be able to understand exactly what I mean.
These last couple months I’ve been living in denial by pretending that it doesn’t exist because if it doesn’t exist then I’m not diabetic and if I’m not diabetic, then this isn’t real, right?! I really really don’t want to deal with this monster inside me anymore and below are 10 reasons why…
1 You’re type 1?? 2 maybe??
No I’m type 1.5. The truth is, after 2 and a half years of constant blood tests and trials, I don’t know which type I have and to add to this, my last Hb1ac has also increased meaning my diagnosis is to be questioned yet again! I just want the truth, it’s not fair that I have had to wait so long for it without any explanation of what caused my pancreas to fail…
2 What is diabetes?? Did you eat too much sugar??
NO! One day my pancreas just decided it didn’t want to work anymore!! I’m done having to explain what diabetes is, what it means for me and what I have to do to be able to lead a normal life.
3 Mood Swings
The constant roller-coaster I have with my sugars affects my mood swings daily meaning I’m constantly short-tempered, impatient or arguing with loved ones and every single time it happens it literally destroys me because although my family reassure me by saying, ‘Don’t worry we know it’s your sugars causing your mood swings.’ I hate not being able to have any control over my mood swings, I hate the guilt that high & low sugars makes me feel because my family shouldn’t have to suffer as well, it’s not fair on them!
Since being diabetic my priorities when meeting new people changed because I don’t have the time to invest in acquaintances… So yes, I hate that I’ve become bitter, unsociable and distance myself from new experiences…Yay I’m such a fun diabetic!
4 Are you Ok?
Diabetes is a very scary illness, and I worry about it every single day. I have constant anxiety because if I don’t have it under control – I could go into a coma, I can go blind or I can lose a limb from not taking care of myself. So, ‘No I’m not Ok because I’m worried all the time, diabetes can take my life away from me at any moment and I just can’t seem to switch those thoughts off…’
5 Eye tests
I hate having to get my eyes tested, every year for one day I have the pleasure of experiencing what it’s like to have insanely blurry vision. Basically, I have a picture taken of the back of my eye to determine whether I have any retinal problems, which mainly occur if you don’t take care of yourself and constantly have high sugars. I love seeing things imagine having to lose your vision too because you can’t be bothered to keep healthy…
6 Drivers License please…
I am so dependent of my car, honestly I’m like one of those people who 100% appreciates having a car and the freedom it gives you to get to wherever you please. The worst part is I have to have my license medically reviewed to ensure I’m medically fit to drive every 3 years, if I don’t ensure my diabetes is constantly under control I could lose that independence too…
7 I couldn’t be a diabetic…
Well neither could I, until I had to be. It is one of the toughest challenges finding the strength to deal with this day in and day out! It’s exhausting and on those days where you struggle, giving up isn’t even a choice! You have to keep going and its not like I can do a Pop-Eye either I can’t eat some spinach and feel strong again. What I can do is remember that I’m not only diabetic fighter out there…
8 Ouch that looks like it hurts…
I know, just because I’m diabetic does not mean I have become prone to the pain that needles cause! I still hate them with a passion! But yes, yes it hurts both mentally and physically, it hurts pricking my finger to read my sugars, or having bruises from injections because you caught a nerve or sorting out the medication you need to take with your meal which is a winner at ruining the mood when you have to eat. But having to do this EVERY-SINGLE-DAY sucks the most!
9 Are you allowed to eat that?
Yes, as long as I exercise, take my medication and eat moderately I can eat whatever the hell I want! I love food but it’s not as fun anymore because to a diabetic food becomes a mode of survival as well as the enemy and dinner becomes a maths equation. Do you have any idea how hard it is to work out how many carbs are in your plate?! OR how hard it is to have to constantly force yourself to be excited over a salad?! I mean I go to Nando’s and order the Caesar salad, just put that into perspective!
10 It’ll go right??
No. It won’t because there isn’t a cure. Diabetes will be a part of me forever and it will never ever go. I hate this illness so much because it’s affected everything my personality, my spontaneity and my sense of humor. I have had to adapt my life to live around this illness. It really does annoy me when doctors say, ‘You shouldn’t let an illness control your life!’ but with all the things I need to do daily to keep it under control, how can you expect me to not constantly put diabetes first?!
People need to understand that by not taking care of yourself for one day and one day only you could make yourself very ill, very quickly and I don’t know about you but I hate hospitals! Diabetes is a 24/7 full-time job!
I constantly dream for the day that I will have a working pancreas once again because I miss the old me so much! I miss the days of when I was a fun silly girl without a care in the world and not this anxious mess that I’ve become!
Hopefully I’ll find the strength to snap out of this soon…