Playing with fire…

The thing is I’ve been sat here for an hour contemplating what to write and trying to convince myself that I have writers block but I know that isn’t true… I have this stupid routine where I always open up Spotify and select Audio Machine to help get me focused and in the mood to be able to write a blog post but I know that’s just a placebo. I know that deep down its in my veins to be able to write and create a mess of words which I then call a blog post, another page to add to my story.

BUT… the reality of the matter is its because I’m scared to start pressing my fingers into the keyboard and truly unravel what I feel deep down. I’m scared of the truth, I’m scared of writing it because it then makes it real…

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Here goes nothing…

I’ve always loved the prospect of mischief, or being naughty or even doing something you know you’re not supposed to do. It makes life somewhat slightly more exciting and different; the only problem is that I kind of love playing with fire but find that I can’t deal with the consequences of it because I can never find a goddamn fire extinguisher to be nearby and so I find myself drowning in a cob web of drama that I’ve then created which I honestly have no idea how. In my group of friends I’m always the one who has an emotional drama up their sleeve or have managed to get themselves in somewhat of a sticky situation and half the time I honestly don’t even know how I’ve managed it.

My friends tend to think its funny but I’ve kind of stopped laughing alongside with them a long time ago because this is my life, its not a Soap Opera. I’m the one who’s having the emotional drama and is having to cope with the heartaches, the hurt it brings as well as finding the strength to not let this fire burn me.

The problem is I feel like I have no right to be angry, to be upset or even have the right to cry because I created this mess and so I shouldn’t be wallowing BUT at the same time everyone makes mistakes! I mean for godsakes I thought growing up meant that in your 20’s your life was all about non-stop sex and practically living the F.R.I.E.N.D.S life. I am so far away from that stupid dream of mine it’s unreal. I still live at home and unfortunately do not have two boys living across the hallway 😦 Do you want to know what’s across my hallway? The bathroom.

Anyway I always think that the people around you should stick by you whether you’ve done right or wrong because my actions don’t change me as the person you first met, I’m still the same. Recently I’ve discovered that I’m one lucky idiot because the girls around me are some of the best that exist!

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They haven’t judged me once for being a fuck up or not knowing what I want or what I’m even doing they’ve still been there whilst I’ve been spiraling out of control and that to me is what I call girl power!

I became addicted to everything that was happening to me because it was unknown, exciting and different and that’s exactly why I didn’t want to open up to anyone or become friends with new people. It’s because I always find there’s more out there…

Sometimes I feel like I’m stuck in a roller coaster of where I enjoy living the mundane life we are forced to lead because we are somewhat cushioned by our comfort zone such as waking up, going to work, going to the gym and meeting up with your best friend once or twice a week where you find yourself moaning about life and wanting something more. Then I think to myself instead of moaning about it I want to go and explore that something more, step onto the wrong territory once or twice and see what happens…

Sometimes its been one of the best things I’ve ever done whereas others its been one of the worst things I could have done and I feel like this time its ended up being one of the worse things I could have done…

I just lost control, the fire just got out of hand and that extinguisher became further and further away. With the fire burning out of control I forgot who I was. You know sometimes I totally think people who are boring have got life all figured out and are doing it right because they don’t live on a side of danger, they aren’t near making mistakes or hurting people. But then I think why not be wild? Why not experience life? Why not make mistakes and shape who you are by being someone you don’t want to be. They say you only get one life and that one should be enough providing you live it the right way but how do you fix it when your fire is out of control? How do I take back the mistakes I wish I never made? I know you move on from them but they’ll always be there in the background and that’s the worst part it’s hard to move on from something that hurts you that won’t be able to go away.

I honestly don’t know what I want anymore… I’ve lost that light I had inside me, that spark I was once so passionate about and all of it contributed to what? Absolutely NOTHING! Do you want to know what the only positive outcome to this story is? It’s the fact that none of my clothes fit me anymore, I mean I have to tuck everything in to my skirt or trousers to show people that I do have a waist under this baggy piece of clothing that I’m wearing. That’s what the cost of stress will do to you but to me it wasn’t worth paying the price of having ridiculously high sugars for the last 5 months…

It’s so hard for me to accept that I have an illness that will kill me if I don’t control it! It’s so hard to get people to understand that I’m not the same as them because just ‘having one’ will ALWAYS hurt me 10x more than you. A bad day to a diabetic goes into a total which you then discover the number of the older you get. Right now to me that number is a question mark but if I continue the way I am, spiraling out of control, continually being selfish and not even caring about myself I’m gonna figure out that total number a lot sooner than I need to.

It’s hard to control and it’s even harder when you feel your support system is breaking away from you. I find it extremely hard to forget that I’m diabetic I mean if I wanted to I could just eat fast food for the rest of my life right? Then in 10 years time I go blind, then what?! What do I do then? Begin to live life… once the mistakes been made? No! It’ll be too late then. You only get one life right? So it needs to be lived properly! Do you see what I mean about people who are boring? They are embracing life in the right way because they won’t make a mistake! Think about it all those that like to play with fire, when they get burned what happens? They do all in their power to make sure no one else repeats their mistake because they know how hard it is to recover from, to move on and to start afresh!

The going out drinking every month needs to stop before it kills me, it makes everything 10x worse because I argue with people I care about, I do things that I don’t agree with and it isn’t me. It’s becomes a vicious circle because I do also get addicted to drunk me, I become who I wish I could be when I’m sober in the sense that I don’t have feelings and if you don’t have feelings you can’t get hurt because I find that I don’t care what other people are thinking about me and I find it easier to let loose. I have a new found confidence which I find hard to let go of and find even harder to conquer when I’m sober…

I always worry of what people think of me and it doesn’t help that I get more compliments when I’m drunk such as, ‘You’re so much funnier, you’re so much more confident and you’re so much more of this and that.’ That it makes me question sober me must really suck and deep down I’m always terrified that no one will like me just the way that I am…

I honestly do think that in this cruel world it’s so much easier to go through life being emotionless and not developing feelings or attachment. I’ve been hurt so many times that I’m sick and tired of developing new relationships and investing time into new friendships because fast forward 6-12 months… Oh yes I find myself being burned again and being hurt because I wear my heart on my sleeve 😦

BUT… somehow I always manage to find the strength within myself to always always try one more time because I’m one of those people who cannot go through life thinking ‘What if?!’

I used to love writing what I would look forward to every month but the fact of the matter is I don’t even make plans anymore to know what I’ll enjoy. I’ve just become such a last minute person and I feel like I need to go back to saying NO again because always saying yes isn’t good. I’ve learned that the hard way and when you learn something the hard way that’s when you want everyone to know not to make the same mistake that you have because you know how shit it truly feels to become someone you hate.

Now that I’ve managed to put my fire out and I can see my world clearly again its time to find myself again, remember who I was and become that girl I was proud to be…

It’s time to look out for my own reflection and remember that everyone else is a background noise – they don’t matter. So its time to be a little more selfish again, to embrace who I am, to really embrace sober me and show her off to the world because if I don’t love her no one else will.

Love,
Lifeisfunbeingme X

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