Self-Care.

I find that the phrase ‘self-care’ is thrown around like it means nothing and the sad thing is we do not give this phrase a chance. We destroy its power at the beginning, self-care is worthless without an action being applied to it, great things can happen if you follow through and simply give it a chance…

There is nothing worse than feeling like you do not have you life together but yet see that the world is still spinning and your peers are moving at a different pace than the one that you are. When you find yourself reaching a similar low point, what advice do you get given the most???

You need to think about you.

Take time – take a second, an hour, a day, a week and take care of yourself…

Again that umbrella phrase ‘Self -Care’ of looking after yourself is fed to you and I believe that a lot of the time this falls on deaf ears. While its echo of that tiny bit of power that this phrase has left slowly fades away into the background and the hope it had of you igniting it disappears. But in between all the hustle and bustle who actually has the time for self care?

I know I don’t.

I struggle everyday with making sure that there is balance in my life. Everyday something has to give or take, a compromise is always made because while all of my time and energy goes into something another part of my life is being left neglected.

Cavemen taught us that in the end survival of the fittest is what won. The strongest won and those deemed weaker got left behind because the world carried on spinning and no matter what is happening in your life the world will never wait for you.

Fast-forward thousands of years and that same concept still exists. Except that race today is for the following…

Whose life on social media is the best?
Who has the most likes? The most followers?
Who is portraying the best win at self-care by posting how happy they are?

Which one do you find yourself currently racing in? Which title are you competing for?

Self-care is not succumbing to the peer pressure that everything has to be posted onto social media. Self-care is having the courage to stay away from a toxic environment and not be intimidated by the highlights that an online user has carefully chosen to share to make you feel like you are falling behind. The myth that self-care means you have to isolate yourself and only focus on yourself has to come to an end. Self-care doesn’t mean shutting yourself away from the world it means improve yourself, put some time into you. Improve your friendships, the things around you but do it in real-life not online… 

A lot of the time people will temporarily disappear from their social media to try and fix whatever heartache they are dealing with and when the heartache is dealt with, they claim to be returning stronger than ever. As soon as that announcement is made, that person has failed because their time is being put back into their online world, their focus is back on their phone and that self-care they managed to create and up-keep slowly starts to disappear again.  

That announcement to justify yourself to the world for why there was an absence in your timeline is not self-care. That upload is to excuse the fact that you had to take a breather out of a race you are trying to win.

But this is what we forget, just because there is a void in our online life, it doesn’t mean that we haven’t been doing things or enjoying ourselves. We do not need to upload and document every single thing we do. Just because you haven’t posted in a while it doesn’t mean you are ‘boring’ or that you don’t have a life that has something to offer. Think back to before Facebook our daily adventures (uploads) would have been turned into an afternoon of arts and crafts and creating a scrapbook for us to one day look back on.

Social media instead takes us away from experiences because we photograph everything to be able to add to our scrapbook story – our profile. I know I’m not the only one with thousands of images in my camera roll because I think it is important to record every second of every day. Rather than living in the moment I found myself being a regular in the following scenarios…

‘Hold that thought, let me photograph this for my social media…’

‘Uhh, hang on let me take another just in case…’

‘Ok last one let me take it from this angle…’ 

How many of us look back and notice, ‘Oh wait I was being a bit anti-social that day’… because there is a picture of you sat in the background on your phone? Or someone wants to take a selfie but you were in the middle of a text and so the image was taken of the following…  yourself, your friend + of course your phone being in your hand. How much of an adventure, of the day did you actually absorb? 

Sound familiar?  We spend so much time trying to portray the best version of ourselves online instead of making sure that the real you is the best version; that a lot of us end up hiding behind our online profile and we end up feeling lonely because all we do is look at other people’s highlights, instead of getting out there and working on yourself. I have always struggled with anxiety and so I’ve always hid behind the online version I portray of myself because she is much happier and confident than the real me. But that isn’t real I’m not always at my happiest even though my online life says otherwise. 

Nowadays the modern phone even has an app to show you the amount of hours and I say hours because there is no way people use their phones for a few minutes a day. This app tells you how many hours a day you are staring at your screen. Imagine if you weren’t? How much ‘extra’ time would you have? It makes you think doesn’t it? Maybe there are enough hours in the day, what other things could we be doing instead? 

I decided I wanted to try something, I put my phone on silent and put it at the bottom of my bag for a day. I decided I wasn’t going to spend the day worrying about Facebook messages and notifications. Instead I worried about putting my time and energy into nurturing my mental health instead of making sure that my social media platform kept growing. I decided to call this day my self-care day. 

I began to walk again and when my steps started to increase, running followed. I haven’t ran in such a long time that it saddens me that I forgot how great it felt, I put this little gem of self-care on the back burner. How dare I? All because somewhere along the lines being glued to my phone & checking out what was happening on social media became my number one priority. 

 I completely forgot who I could be. I forgot that the anxiety and sadness I felt inside could be turned into excitement and happiness. I forgot that by resurfacing those feelings I could have the courage to do anything I needed to. 

When those 24 hours came to an end, I finally checked my phone…
In the back of my mind I thought there would have been several missed calls for me to respond too. This wasn’t the case, the realisation was no one cared that my status was inactive and I came to the realisation that everyone is too busy trying to win their own race to check in on how I was doing.

Being addicted to my phone and social media only revealed that all I’ve done lately is wasted my own time because I thought showing my audience that I’ve been living my best life online was self-care but it wasn’t. All it showed was that I was online, all the time… 

A lot of people now form relationships online via ‘places’ like tinder. I don’t agree with the concept of online dating because what is does is enforce us to be on our phones all the time communicating via text, while the world is still spinning around us… But what if you’re not one of those people that is not always on their phone? Or you’ve had a really busy day? Then apparently we are going to be single for the rest of our lives because we’ll never meet someone unless it is online… Personally I would rather wait for that scene out of the movie where I’m not looking where I’m going, bump into a guy get talking to him and I’ll know he’s the one.   

All this has made me realise I became a prisoner to my own phone because I was obsessed on showing that I was ‘online’. No longer was I going to be dependent of waiting for notifications to arrive. I didn’t want to be my own prisioner anymore of not doing anything with my evenings and just waiting for them to appear. When all along I should have dumped my phone at the bottom of my bag, self-care get out there and live my life.

I cannot believe I neglected my own person and I only have myself to blame.

As hard as it is to maintain a healthy balance in your life, here is a piece of advice that I feel I am able to share with you…

Do not pour your soul into ‘creating’ an image for who you are online because all of that wasted time and energy into keeping that up means you start to lose your sense of purpose and identity of who you are. While you’re busy posting online the food you’ve just ate or checking into a location for that like. You’re losing out on physically living in that moment, see the thing is others have figured out that this online lifestyle is exhausting and all that energy can be put into living in the real world instead. Let’s join that force…

Let’s keep our mental health happy by creating the best version of ourselves around our favourite circles of friends and family. Don’t neglect your circle for a message you have in your DM’s it isn’t worth it. Those you have a physical and real emotional connection with are the ones that are worth nurturing! I promise you’ll find they are the ones who are worth your time and energy and before you know it a notification will mean nothing but your self-care into living your life will mean everything.  

Keep it ignited.

Always.

Love,
Lifeisfunbeingme X

 

You should know better…

Hands up if you’re also the first born in your family?!…

Just know that if you answered ‘Yes’ to this question, me and you are going to get on just fine. And it is because we have our younger siblings to thank for as they bring us ‘elders’ together…

As soon as you find yourself establishing with someone, that they are the youngest in their family and you are the oldest. You immediately find that it is just like being around your siblings…Again. (Yawn.) Because you are both bickering about all the things that were unfair in your lives while you were growing up! Am I right or wrong?! Well I’ll tell you what fellow young sibling I didn’t sign up for motherhood at the age of about 4 years old and it is kind of all your fault…

Because I was born first, I had to grow up already programmed with motherhood inside me, I had to grow up being a caring person and having the option to be selfish or only think about myself was NOT allowed because YOU had to come along.

All my life I was always the one who had to know better! Who apparently already knew right from wrong because she had younger siblings…

No you are right…

Sorry Mum and Dad, I mean after all… I have lived this life before and living it the third time on a loop you would have thought I would have finally got it right. I mean are you kidding me?! How am I supposed to know best?! Remember that this is my first time growing up too! I’m still finding myself and mistakes are always going to be along the horizon, well I know they are always going to be along mine because I’m an idiot and everyone knows that. But still just because they are younger than me and life is overwhelming, I’m supposed to give them a break?! Why?! No one did it for me?! So why should I need to guide my younger siblings through the right and wrong?! How about… Mum and Dad, you tell them to be their own person, not copy what choices I decide to make and get them to make their own decisions?!

I’m pretty sure that I didn’t tell you that while I grow up and live my life I also want to have the responsibility of caring for someone else and showing them right from wrong. That  responsibility there is for when you have kids and because I feel like I’ve had a taste of that pretty much all my life. Real ‘motherhood’ is the last thing on my mind, that dream there is being pushed back for at least another 10 years.

So while I’m a 20 something idiot finding myself getting really close to my mid-20’s… Ahhh scary thought, we will save that thought for another blogpost. I find that when I look around me, most of my friends are already like real adults such as having to pay for their mortgage, raising their kids… some are even on their second! Some are even planning their wedding day!

Because being the ‘caring eldest’ is all I’ve ever known without having the world and environment around you also telling you who you are meant to be; all of the above listed sends me running in the opposite direction… why on earth would I want that kind of commitment now?!

And I think that being the eldest is the reason why I’m such a ‘make the most of everything’ kind of person, a ‘party girl’ kind of person and definitely a ‘never want to grow up, never want any responsibility kind of person.’ And it’s because I never had that growing up. It is always true, you always want what you can’t have and so I blame the girl that I am outside of my 9-5 routine idiocy on the fact that I was born first. Nobody ever wants to act the oldest.

And so I find myself trying not to take life too seriously and when the opportunity of being able to act like a child comes my way, I will take that opportunity by the horns! So forgive me if being the eldest has made me realise that I want to spend my twenties being the most narcissistic person you can think of, I mean my youngest sibling have been doing that all their lives, so why can’t I?! I didn’t want to be born programmed to care, I want to be free…

And so my advice to you young ones reading this is to grow up by yourself and while it is scary doing so. Definitely do not follow us ‘elders’, or take our advice and for God sake don’t even think to look up to us! Just because we are older than you does not mean we know best because we literally have no clue what we are doing! We have always had to just roll with it and most importantly I’d like to highlight we’ve always done it alone and just because YOU are younger than me does not mean you should get a free hall pass because we are meant to know best. Figure it out yourself!

No matter what stage we are in our lives, us ‘elders’ are basically just winging it, hoping for the best outcome of any given situation or experience and making sure we keep our fingers crossed because we know that there is always a possibility it may not be the case, remember we are the ones that know because we are the ones that always make the mistakes.

Love,
Lifeisfunbeingme X

Learn to say no…

Have you ever gone out and wished you stayed at home? Yep me too!

Lately I’ve realised that it is not the end of the world to say no! Its ok to not go out with your friends every time they invite you out and that it really isn’t the end of the world (sometimes) missing out on life. Trust me on this one. The thing is people forget that you can’t see into your own future so when you make the decision to use the word ‘No’. You have no idea what you will be missing out on and that sometimes you’ll find that saying no can also be one of the best decisions you’ve made.

Think of a friendship you regretted or imagine you said no to that crappy night out on the town. Think about it! YOU, saying no… could have saved you £30 which you could now go and spend on something else or that hurt you felt from a poisonous friendship would have never existed because that friendship was never made because you never exposed yourself at the chance of being hurt.

I totally get that the word ‘No’ to some can also be very scary. Sometimes even saying it out loud might need a bit of pep talk, I know I give myself one now and again! Sometimes you might even think that when you finally find the courage to use the word no, you immediately regret it because you think you’ve made a huge mistake; as you might then go on to see… that because you said no to an event or a night out you find yourself getting a stab of jealousy when you see posts on social media. Like a picture on Facebook where everyone seems happy but it literally doesn’t mean anything because a lot of the time things on social media AREN’T what they seem! People forget that for that one second that picture was staged, that status went through a proof read…hell it might have even gotten an edit before it got published! I mean even salt looks like sugar but that doesn’t mean they taste the same.

I know that what I’m saying may not make sense to you or sound like utter rubbish and I’m not saying to not take life by the horns. I’m just saying that sometimes being on your own is ok, it is a good thing! Its good to know who you are before you go and introduce yourself to someone else.

Sometimes I just like making the word ‘No’ part of my daily vocabulary, sometimes I just like being on my own and doing my own thing because sometimes I dont even miss my social life. I become quite content being in my own little bubble doing my own thing and taking care of myself like picking up a book, actually taking a nap or turning my phone off and watching a film from start to finish without any interuption.

I challenge you to try saying ‘No’ once in a while and see where it takes you…

Love,
Lifeisfunsayingno X

Don’t ever resent being mundane…

No matter how bad you think you have it having to repeat the same routine day after day. I always think you will be begging to return back to your mundane lifestyle when you find yourself stepping out onto unknown territory because you think there is more out there. No matter how far out you travel you’ll always find yourself asking, ‘Was it really worth living on the edge for a bit?’

Its when you start comparing yourself to others that we begin to lose control of what we had in sight and you begin to think,  ‘Why have they done this and I haven’t?’ Or, ‘Why do they have a house and I still live at home?’ Or, ‘Why do I feel like they are 5 years ahead of me in life but we are the same age?’ That right there…is what ruins a person.

The world was not meant for us to be the same, the world was meant for individuality and uniqueness. The world was meant for the human race to experience life in millions of different ways. We are meant to have fuck ups, good and bad people, rich and poor, sly and evil but the thing that people forget is that it does not mean you have to experience it all to figure out where you belong, all of our destiny’s have different endings.

You don’t need to go on crazy adventures to figure out who you are and become versions of yourself that you never expected because you don’t know what you are doing being mundane will get you there too.

Sometimes it sucks to finally admit for the first time that those who told you to stop, who advised you to not screw up but yet you brushed off because you have this horrible trait of wanting to play with fire, seeing what else is out there and spiraling out of control aren’t there to catch you when you stop spinning…

And in the end it makes you realise that they were the ones you needed all along but you brushed them off for people who didn’t want you, you brushed them off for the unexpected because being a mundane 9-5 girl was boring, it wasn’t enough for you and so now you are forced to pick up the pieces one by one. Alone.

Always always love your boring side that’s what keeps us sane…its always been the little things.

Think about it… the world spins on its axis every single day and it doesn’t get more mundane than that.

Love,
Lifeisfunbeingme X

The last few pages of Summer…

The Summer days of 2016 are finally over and some may be sad to think that the most magical time of the year has ended but this is where I think they are wrong. I’ll let you into a little secret…you ready? The most magical time of the year hasn’t ended its only just begun!

I bet that you didn’t know that Summer is the season that secretly looks out for you, its the one that’s the most kindest. I look at Summer as the old tree in Pocahontas, you know the one I mean, the one that she goes to for wisdom and guidance. So while you might have been sad that you didn’t achieve your summer body or that your summer romance never arrived… don’t give up! There is still time because Autumn is here to help…magic is about to happen whether you believe me or not…

If you haven’t guessed already… Autumn is my favourite time of the year and I’m glad its arrived because I needed them! I need the leaves beginning to hit the pavement, the wrapping up warm in the evenings, the endless hot chocolates to keep me warm, the fires, the fireworks and every other magical element that makes Autumn…Autumn. I would be lying to myself and all of you if I was to say that my absence in posts have been because I’ve been busy but that’s not been the case…

I’ve been working on myself,  I’ve been trying to make myself a girl that I am proud to introduce myself as Rosa Aversa, that when I say my name the hairs on my skin stand with the same amount of confidence I have inside. It really has been a struggle losing people that I thought truly cared about me and were my genuine friends. Unfortunately along the way I realised that the social life I created around me to avoid feeling lonely was full of people waiting for me to crash down and give up…well guess what?! You all won! I did fall down and I spent weeks feeling hurt and spending nights in tears BUT I also managed to get myself up AGAIN and carry on, so while that was a small blip in my life I’m a lot stronger than I thought I could ever be.

My biggest pet hate about people that think they know me is that they always tend to judge me for having this infectious attachment with life and wanting to have fun…all the time! Get over it already, so what?! I do think that if you too were imprisoned within your own body with an illness you would look at life the same way I do. I really do think that you should always try your hardest to never judge someone because you honestly have no idea what issues people are dealing with and that you should always remember there is logic behind a decision that someone makes whether it makes sense to you or not.

And so in these last couple months I’ve been working out at the gym A LOT and partied even harder! For me it was my escape from all the hurting I felt. Don’t get me wrong staying away from those close to me has always been my defence mechanism I don’t know why but to me it just makes sense being far away from those that are close to me to help get away from that void inside me.

BUT…

Now that this void has finally gone away I feel like I can close the book on this last chapter and finally meet some much needed new characters. It’s silly to think its takes something so simple to click, to help you get over a hurdle you have been struggling with. I was out last night and I was dancing…sober! And I cannot explain how nice it was for once not to feel anxious, self conscious or worrying what others were thinking about me; I just felt free, I felt happy… an emotion I have struggled to feel.

And with that I think I’ve finally reached my closure, the penny has dropped. The world is a big place and wherever you go you will find the same types of people with different names so holding onto to the ones you already know because you’re afraid of letting go and you don’t know what will happen… I think is silly. Everything is temporary nowadays so unless you really want something or someone in life and you fight for it and they don’t want you or it doesn’t work out there’s no point in waiting or hoping that one day your phone will buzz and it will be them, it’ll be too late then.

I’ve finally realised that the moment you realise you don’t need town anymore to be happy is the moment you realise all the unpleasantness you experience can finally be put behind you.

Now this may come as a shock but for my 25th birthday I don’t want a massive piss up where I wake up the next day absolutely dying because I drank so much alcohol! Yes I know the girl that goes out every weekend wants something different, I’m shocked too! I’ve decided that I want to go to Iceland and stare at some stars but then I also need to find someone who loves me enough to want to spend a ridiculous amount of money to celebrate my birthday with me. Recently I just prefer smaller and intimate meetings because there are so many people out there that honestly just belong to the background, not everyone deserves to celebrate every special moment with you.

I know this is the Bridget Jones coming out of me and I know that the majority of my friends have their life figured out, some have kids, some even have bought their own house and the rest have found the love of their life, basically they are in their happily ever after of their story. I would be lying if I was to say that it doesn’t terrify me that I have none of it.

But watching Bridget Jones it makes me realise that there is a time for everything and that it will be fine.  Everything will be fine and if Bridget Jones can have a baby at 43 then I have plenty of time for plenty more fuck ups, heartaches, new mistakes and realising that my poor 24 soon to be 25 year old body can no longer recover as quickly as my 18 year old body once did.

I love that autumn has finally arrived because its time to reconstruct yourself into who you want to become and its where magic finally starts to happen starting with that I’ve realised you begin to add the right people and not temporary ones when you realise you don’t need town anymore to make you happy…

You’ll start to forget the nights wondering who’s out while you’re spending it in bed watching a film constantly checking your phone. You wont feel like you’re missing out on life because you know you are where you are meant to be and that’s when you know you’ve reached closure… I can finally move on I have no interest in looking back and this makes me happy I think the time has arrived to take blogging a lot more seriously so please expect to see a lot more updates from me.

I’m not saying that you need to become a hermit or spend the whole Winter indoors with a blanket. I’m saying treat every day of Autumn and Winter like a special occasion give it a try and I promise you its not any less glamorous appreciating life for what it is and spending a bit of time by yourself…

Love,
Lifeisfunbeingme X

Playing with fire…

The thing is I’ve been sat here for an hour contemplating what to write and trying to convince myself that I have writers block but I know that isn’t true… I have this stupid routine where I always open up Spotify and select Audio Machine to help get me focused and in the mood to be able to write a blog post but I know that’s just a placebo. I know that deep down its in my veins to be able to write and create a mess of words which I then call a blog post, another page to add to my story.

BUT… the reality of the matter is its because I’m scared to start pressing my fingers into the keyboard and truly unravel what I feel deep down. I’m scared of the truth, I’m scared of writing it because it then makes it real…

Here goes nothing…

I’ve always loved the prospect of mischief, or being naughty or even doing something you know you’re not supposed to do. It makes life somewhat slightly more exciting and different; the only problem is that I kind of love playing with fire but find that I can’t deal with the consequences of it because I can never find a goddamn fire extinguisher to be nearby and so I find myself drowning in a cob web of drama that I’ve then created which I honestly have no idea how. In my group of friends I’m always the one who has an emotional drama up their sleeve or have managed to get themselves in somewhat of a sticky situation and half the time I honestly don’t even know how I’ve managed it.

My friends tend to think its funny but I’ve kind of stopped laughing alongside with them a long time ago because this is my life, its not a Soap Opera. I’m the one who’s having the emotional drama and is having to cope with the heartaches, the hurt it brings as well as finding the strength to not let this fire burn me.

The problem is I feel like I have no right to be angry, to be upset or even have the right to cry because I created this mess and so I shouldn’t be wallowing BUT at the same time everyone makes mistakes! I mean for godsakes I thought growing up meant that in your 20’s your life was all about non-stop sex and practically living the F.R.I.E.N.D.S life. I am so far away from that stupid dream of mine it’s unreal. I still live at home and unfortunately do not have two boys living across the hallway 😦 Do you want to know what’s across my hallway? The bathroom.

Anyway I always think that the people around you should stick by you whether you’ve done right or wrong because my actions don’t change me as the person you first met, I’m still the same. Recently I’ve discovered that I’m one lucky idiot because the girls around me are some of the best that exist!

They haven’t judged me once for being a fuck up or not knowing what I want or what I’m even doing they’ve still been there whilst I’ve been spiraling out of control and that to me is what I call girl power!

I became addicted to everything that was happening to me because it was unknown, exciting and different and that’s exactly why I didn’t want to open up to anyone or become friends with new people. It’s because I always find there’s more out there…

Sometimes I feel like I’m stuck in a roller coaster of where I enjoy living the mundane life we are forced to lead because we are somewhat cushioned by our comfort zone such as waking up, going to work, going to the gym and meeting up with your best friend once or twice a week where you find yourself moaning about life and wanting something more. Then I think to myself instead of moaning about it I want to go and explore that something more, step onto the wrong territory once or twice and see what happens…

Sometimes its been one of the best things I’ve ever done whereas others its been one of the worst things I could have done and I feel like this time its ended up being one of the worse things I could have done…

I just lost control, the fire just got out of hand and that extinguisher became further and further away. With the fire burning out of control I forgot who I was. You know sometimes I totally think people who are boring have got life all figured out and are doing it right because they don’t live on a side of danger, they aren’t near making mistakes or hurting people. But then I think why not be wild? Why not experience life? Why not make mistakes and shape who you are by being someone you don’t want to be. They say you only get one life and that one should be enough providing you live it the right way but how do you fix it when your fire is out of control? How do I take back the mistakes I wish I never made? I know you move on from them but they’ll always be there in the background and that’s the worst part it’s hard to move on from something that hurts you that won’t be able to go away.

I honestly don’t know what I want anymore… I’ve lost that light I had inside me, that spark I was once so passionate about and all of it contributed to what? Absolutely NOTHING! Do you want to know what the only positive outcome to this story is? It’s the fact that none of my clothes fit me anymore, I mean I have to tuck everything in to my skirt or trousers to show people that I do have a waist under this baggy piece of clothing that I’m wearing. That’s what the cost of stress will do to you but to me it wasn’t worth paying the price of having ridiculously high sugars for the last 5 months…

It’s so hard for me to accept that I have an illness that will kill me if I don’t control it! It’s so hard to get people to understand that I’m not the same as them because just ‘having one’ will ALWAYS hurt me 10x more than you. A bad day to a diabetic goes into a total which you then discover the number of the older you get. Right now to me that number is a question mark but if I continue the way I am, spiraling out of control, continually being selfish and not even caring about myself I’m gonna figure out that total number a lot sooner than I need to.

It’s hard to control and it’s even harder when you feel your support system is breaking away from you. I find it extremely hard to forget that I’m diabetic I mean if I wanted to I could just eat fast food for the rest of my life right? Then in 10 years time I go blind, then what?! What do I do then? Begin to live life… once the mistakes been made? No! It’ll be too late then. You only get one life right? So it needs to be lived properly! Do you see what I mean about people who are boring? They are embracing life in the right way because they won’t make a mistake! Think about it all those that like to play with fire, when they get burned what happens? They do all in their power to make sure no one else repeats their mistake because they know how hard it is to recover from, to move on and to start afresh!

The going out drinking every month needs to stop before it kills me, it makes everything 10x worse because I argue with people I care about, I do things that I don’t agree with and it isn’t me. It’s becomes a vicious circle because I do also get addicted to drunk me, I become who I wish I could be when I’m sober in the sense that I don’t have feelings and if you don’t have feelings you can’t get hurt because I find that I don’t care what other people are thinking about me and I find it easier to let loose. I have a new found confidence which I find hard to let go of and find even harder to conquer when I’m sober…

I always worry of what people think of me and it doesn’t help that I get more compliments when I’m drunk such as, ‘You’re so much funnier, you’re so much more confident and you’re so much more of this and that.’ That it makes me question sober me must really suck and deep down I’m always terrified that no one will like me just the way that I am…

I honestly do think that in this cruel world it’s so much easier to go through life being emotionless and not developing feelings or attachment. I’ve been hurt so many times that I’m sick and tired of developing new relationships and investing time into new friendships because fast forward 6-12 months… Oh yes I find myself being burned again and being hurt because I wear my heart on my sleeve 😦

BUT… somehow I always manage to find the strength within myself to always always try one more time because I’m one of those people who cannot go through life thinking ‘What if?!’

I used to love writing what I would look forward to every month but the fact of the matter is I don’t even make plans anymore to know what I’ll enjoy. I’ve just become such a last minute person and I feel like I need to go back to saying NO again because always saying yes isn’t good. I’ve learned that the hard way and when you learn something the hard way that’s when you want everyone to know not to make the same mistake that you have because you know how shit it truly feels to become someone you hate.

Now that I’ve managed to put my fire out and I can see my world clearly again its time to find myself again, remember who I was and become that girl I was proud to be…

It’s time to look out for my own reflection and remember that everyone else is a background noise – they don’t matter. So its time to be a little more selfish again, to embrace who I am, to really embrace sober me and show her off to the world because if I don’t love her no one else will.

Love,
Lifeisfunbeingme X

Why am I so full of life?

In this world it is so hard to be your own self without caring what others think about you. The thing is whatever you do, someone will always and I mean always have an opinion on what you’re doing. It’s like we all have our own football commentary going on 24/7 ‘Yes, we see Rosa is going out again…’

This really annoys me because no one has any right to judge me! So what if one of my priorities in life is to go out, have fun and live every small moment to its fullest?! I’m sick and tired of people making snide comments and trying to put me down. The worst thing is that I don’t even know why people feel the need to make the effort to do so… maybe it’s because I’m different or I don’t follow the norm… I mean if you want to have more fun in life then do it! Go for it! I’m not stopping you…if I can do it! You can do it too! Just don’t ever try and make me feel like I’m the bad guy here…

You’ve read my about me page?! You know the reason behind the name Lifeisfunbeingme!

Although I don’t have to justify myself to anyone why I live my life to the fullest by explaining why, you might understand me a bit more too…

The first thing is that I have a completely different mind set to everyone around me in my 20’s. I mean I look at life completely different because in 2013, 2 weeks before my 21st birthday I went from turning 21 to 75 and pretty much skipped the middle part of my life because my pancreas decided to break down and stop working. My life changed from being able to be a stupid careless girl to being serious, responsible and boring pretty much over night! So when I get to have fun, I WILL HAVE FUN!! I also went from being happy to sad very quickly and it stayed like that for a very long time. Becoming diabetic destroyed me and having something trying to make you fall down again and again after you managed to find the strength to get back up day after day is hard enough without having people adding to it by assuming they know me.

The problem with today is that people think they know you through the opinions of others, through lyrics and quotes that you post on social media and the kind of people that you have in your social circle. So let me guess you’ve all assumed I wear my heart on my sleeve, have an interest in media, like quotes and that I like to have fun and party?? Congrats you’ve got me all figured out!

People think that’s enough to be able to say, ‘Oh I know them!’ The problem is you don’t!

No one takes the time anymore to really get to know someone and that’s what annoys me because if you get to know someone you know them past Hello and Goodbye, you get to exist with their co-existence and that’s what I love…DEPTH. I feel like simplicity in life is dying out and because everything is so fast-paced, people are quick to judge and comment! But no one is quick to ask. So to all those that think they know me, you’re not part of my story and so you cannot assume why I do things the way I do, or understand the reasoning behind my actions if you haven’t made the effort to ask me WHY?  People always forget that!

I know that there are worse things in life than being diabetic. But in my story, diabetes is the one thing that saddens me the most, its the one thing that took my freedom away. Its not as simple as taking a pill. It doesn’t work like that because the problem is always there…

 

I decided to stop being sad and let diabetes win. I decided to not let an illness stop me from ever doing or feeling anything ever again! I started to say yes to life and with that part of the stupid careless girl I once was before came back…

I realised that you don’t get to experience the same moment twice and that scares me! I don’t know about you but knowing that certain moments won’t ever get repeated again is all the reason to live in the moment and so you would be an idiot to not embrace life! I mean…sure we may hold onto hope because sometimes its hard to let things go but a moment is a moment and once its gone it becomes a memory just like reaching a milestone in life or going from student to graduate.

Excuse the expression but life does scare the shit into me and knowing that this illness could take that away from me tomorrow is pretty much why I’m so full of life and try embrace any moment good or bad and so if I want to party every weekend, be silly and not take life seriously then maybe I’ll do just that!

Maybe you can all borrow page 738 to embrace life a little more, at least now you all know how page 737 ended…

Love,
Lifeisfunbeingme X

The end of an era.

I cannot believe that 2015 is well and truly over. Feels like a life time ago right?! I mean how did it get to February already?!

I’m not one of those people where as soon as a year is over I’m like ‘It’s time to get rid of the old and be in with the new.’ I just find myself hopelessly reflecting on the things that happened in the past 12 months which will not actually be carried into the new year! Sometimes it makes me sad because I realise that not everything lasts forever 😦

This last year I failed myself in so many ways but also achieved as much greatness. I’ve found out a lot about myself which I wasn’t aware I had inside me, I discovered that I’m a lot stronger than I actually thought and that I have one hell of a fight inside me.

I also know that I said I was going to do many different things and that I also didn’t even manage to achieve half of the things I had on my list.

But…

Do you know what I’ve decided that it’s OK! Because life happens and that’s OK! Things get in the way and that’s OK! Dreams change, plans change, people change, I changed and that’s OK! I’ve learnt so much about myself and I like to think that for me the best is yet to come. I mean I’ve been broken-hearted, my career came to a halt, I became lost, I forgot who I was but now I feel confident that the new is about to arrive and I think it’s going to be pretty awesome!

This year I want to try something different. I don’t want to plan any adventures, pursue any dreams or make a list of what I truly want. OK I’ll do my best with the list thing but we all know I have about 3 list books from Paperchase which need to be used up! 😛 I just want to see what happens and record my journey alongside for you all to be part of. I don’t want to make the ultimate promise in saying, ‘Now that it’s a new year I will be the perfect diabetic’, because I shouldn’t wait for the next excuse I should be doing it from now. This year I want to truly embrace every moment I experience, I cannot wait to meet the next best version of myself, the version that knows which mistakes are not to be repeated, which experiences need to be held onto, which moments need to be re-experienced, which relationships I should actually give a chance, which friends should be kept and which need to become strangers.

I think I’m ready 2016, I dare you to challenge me…

Love,
Lifeisfunbeingme X

10 reasons I HATE admitting that I’m diabetic…

It really isn’t easy being a diabetic, I don’t think that it ever has been for anyone, I mean we struggle with it all the time. Even though you would think that after 2 and a half years of having to constantly fight with my pancreas I would be doing fine… but I’m not. I’ll be honest, recently I have been struggling, I feel completely withdrawn from all the things I love doing, I’ve stopped writing; until now of course! I’ve also stopped socialising as much as I used to because I’m constantly bitter seeing my friends being able to do things without having a care in the world!

I miss having the freedom to be spontaneous because whatever I do, I always have to check in with my diabetes first to see if I’m allowed that treat or I have enough medication on me to stay a night away from home. I mean I actually have a diabetes inventory, how sad is that?!

No matter how many rants I have with my best friends and no matter how many times they tell me that they don’t mind listening to me moan about the challenges I’m faced with daily. I still can’t help but feel like I’m a burden to them all because although I explain what I go through, they will never be able to understand exactly what I mean.

These last couple months I’ve been living in denial by pretending that it doesn’t exist because if it doesn’t exist then I’m not diabetic and if I’m not diabetic, then this isn’t real, right?!  I really really don’t want to deal with this monster inside me anymore and below are 10 reasons why…

1 You’re type 1?? 2 maybe??
No I’m type 1.5. The truth is, after 2 and a half years of constant blood tests and trials, I don’t know which type I have and to add to this, my last Hb1ac has also increased meaning my diagnosis is to be questioned yet again! I just want the truth, it’s not fair that I have had to wait so long for it without any explanation of what caused my pancreas to fail…

2 What is diabetes?? Did you eat too much sugar??
NO! One day my pancreas just decided it didn’t want to work anymore!! I’m done having to explain what diabetes is, what it means for me and what I have to do to be able to lead a normal life.

3 Mood Swings
The constant roller-coaster I have with my sugars affects my mood swings daily meaning I’m constantly short-tempered, impatient or arguing with loved ones and every single time it happens it literally destroys me because although my family reassure me by saying, ‘Don’t worry we know it’s your sugars causing your mood swings.’ I hate not being able to have any control over my mood swings, I hate the guilt that high & low sugars makes me feel because my family shouldn’t have to suffer as well, it’s not fair on them!

Since being diabetic my priorities when meeting new people changed because I don’t have the time to invest in acquaintances… So yes, I hate that I’ve become bitter, unsociable and distance myself from new experiences…Yay I’m such a fun diabetic!

4 Are you Ok?
Diabetes is a very scary illness, and I worry about it every single day. I have constant anxiety because if I don’t have it under control – I could go into a coma, I can go blind or I can lose a limb from not taking care of myself.  So, ‘No I’m not Ok because I’m worried all the time, diabetes can take my life away from me at any moment and I just can’t seem to switch those thoughts off…’

5 Eye tests
I hate having to get my eyes tested, every year for one day I have the pleasure of experiencing what it’s like to have insanely blurry vision. Basically, I have a picture taken of the back of my eye to determine whether I have any retinal problems, which mainly occur if you don’t take care of yourself and constantly have high sugars. I love seeing things imagine having to lose your vision too because you can’t be bothered to keep healthy…

6 Drivers License please…
I am so dependent of my car, honestly I’m like one of those people who 100% appreciates having a car and the freedom it gives you to get to wherever you please. The worst part is I have to have my license medically reviewed to ensure I’m medically fit to drive every 3 years, if I don’t ensure my diabetes is constantly under control I could lose that independence too…

7 I couldn’t be a diabetic…
Well neither could I, until I had to be. It is one of the toughest challenges finding the strength to deal with this day in and day out! It’s exhausting and on those days where you struggle, giving up isn’t even a choice! You have to keep going and its not like I can do a Pop-Eye either I can’t eat some spinach and feel strong again. What I can do is remember that I’m not only diabetic fighter out there…

8 Ouch that looks like it hurts…
I know, just because I’m diabetic does not mean I have become prone to the pain that needles cause! I still hate them with a passion! But yes, yes it hurts both mentally and physically, it hurts pricking my finger to read my sugars, or having bruises from injections because you caught a nerve or sorting out the medication you need to take with your meal which is a winner at ruining the mood when you have to eat. But having to do this EVERY-SINGLE-DAY sucks the most!

9 Are you allowed to eat that?
Yes, as long as I exercise, take my medication and eat moderately I can eat whatever the hell I want! I love food but it’s not as fun anymore because to a diabetic food becomes a mode of survival as well as the enemy and dinner becomes a maths equation. Do you have any idea how hard it is to work out how many carbs are in your plate?! OR how hard it is to have to constantly force yourself to be excited over a salad?! I mean I go to Nando’s and order the Caesar salad, just put that into perspective!

10 It’ll go right??
No. It won’t because there isn’t a cure. Diabetes will be a part of me forever and it will never ever go. I hate this illness so much because it’s affected everything my personality, my spontaneity and my sense of humor. I have had to adapt my life to live around this illness. It really does annoy me when doctors say, ‘You shouldn’t let an illness control your life!’ but with all the things I need to do daily to keep it under control, how can you expect me to not constantly put diabetes first?!

People need to understand that by not taking care of yourself for one day and one day only you could make yourself very ill, very quickly and I don’t know about you but I hate hospitals! Diabetes is a 24/7 full-time job!

I constantly dream for the day that I will have a working pancreas once again because I miss the old me so much! I miss the days of when I was a fun silly girl without a care in the world and not this anxious mess that I’ve become!

Hopefully I’ll find the strength to snap out of this soon…

Love,
Lifeisfunbeingmeapartfromtoday X

I should be at rock bottom…

I feel like I owe you all an explanation on what’s been happening to me in these last few months. As you know I’ve mentioned that I’ve been getting out there and living my life, which is why I’ve not been writing much. The truth is I’ve fallen in love with every new moment that becomes an experience. While my weekends were usually spent locking myself away in my room and updating you on what I did during the week, I’ve swapped it with having fun and living new adventures.

I’m excited to share that I’ve been taken off my insulin medication which has been a real dream come true and my confidence has soared. I’ve mentioned before how I’ve always struggled with accepting this illness and part of the reason falls with me being left in the dark due to not knowing what type of diabetes I actually have. The worst part is that the doctors think I could be either but they still don’t know for sure.

At my last hospital appointment I finally received some explanations and was told that because my pancreas still makes insulin it allows my sugar levels to be well controlled provided I’m also eating a healthy diet. This means that I’m more likely to be a type 2 diabetic. I still need to monitor it closely to avoid serious complications but I’m trying to do everything I can to avoid having to go back to injecting myself 5 times a day so much so I’ve also started to take my fitness a lot more seriously too! But the doctors also think that I could be experiencing a pro-longed honeymoon period which in basic English means because my pancreas has not yet fully shut down, my diabetes is easier to control. So this means I could be a Type 1 diabetic but am behaving like a Type 2 instead… whether I’ll ever receive a definite answer I’ll never know :(…

OK, now that the science lesson is over… I felt like finally I was experiencing what I thought was my happily ever after! I had an awesome job with the opportunity to get somewhere in life, my anxiety was pretty much non existent, my diabetes was a problem far into the distance and my love life was finally starting to make an appearance.

For me, deep down this was all too good to be true and I was right because while everything for once couldn’t have been better, within the blink of an eye it all came crashing down and I lost my job, my sugar levels went from being well controlled to being consistently high, and my anxiety also decided to join the party. Well as for my love life it went from me knowing it existed to it pretty much being extinct again.

I know that I should feel like I’ve hit rock bottom as my life has decided to crash down around me but I’m not, I’m nowhere near. I feel that I’ve done myself a massive favour because I’m now free and I couldn’t be happier for it. I just can’t help but realise that I’m in the prime of my life and that the world is literally my oyster. I can do whatever the hell I want and just knowing that, knowing that I’m in charge kind of excites the hell out of me…I just can’t live my everyday by putting all my energy into making someone else’s happily ever after.

Losing a job happens to everyone… right?! But rather than it being a problem, I just need to get back up and try again but this time, this is the time where I try slightly harder than the last. For me it honestly isn’t the end of the world because although it may have been the perfect place to be working at as I was still in the media environment, I wasn’t happy. A job isn’t everything, there is more to life than working 9-5 and earning money. I know that I should probably be crying myself to sleep over the fact that I lost my income, my work friends and have every other aspect of my life hitting rock bottom, but I’m not. I’ve took solace in the following quotes which have kept me at being sky high and seeing light in all of this, I just can’t help but still have a smile on my face…

I think that maybe the time has finally arrived for me to get a one way ticket, get the hell out of here and go and find out what it is that I truly want. After all summer has always been the perfect time to plan an adventure right?!

Love,
Lifeisfunbeingme X